2010-2011

  I haven't felt like writing since Poppa died. Poppa was my paternal grandfather who I loved very much. My mother took care of him for the last few years, being his contact person for assisted living, taking him crackers and medicine and little bottles of soda and the elusive Utz pretzel bits. She asked me if I wanted to go with her, and for the last year and a half or so, we took all my kids along to see him about once a week. He always knew who we were, even through the haze of his sleepy mind and was always so happy to see us and the kids. He loved to get hugs from all of them, and they loved him, too. His death was not a shock: the last two years were a very long goodbye. A good part of him was already gone. But still, it hurt a lot. For awhile every time I saw an old man hat, I cried. It was also the first time that I had seen the dead body of another human that I had loved. So that was intense, and sharing that with the kids was intense.

  That was one of the hardest parts of 2010. But another part has been Lee's unemployment. I don't like to talk about it because it is a difficult subject for me. Lee has been unemployed for the better part of 2010. This has been due to a combination of factors. Some of it is Lee's difficulty in choosing a career path. It is in his personality to be a "jack of all trades, master of none". He is interesting and fun, and he has a hard time focusing on one long term project. It is in his nature to solve a problem and then move on. This has made him invaluable around the house - he has fied computer problems, electrical problems, automotive problems. He is amazing. But to settle in a job that would require him to specialize is very difficult. I sympathize with that totally, because I have a very similar personality. But that doesn't make the day to day any easier. In addition, the job market is much leaner now, so finding a long-term job is harder for someone without a specialty - and bsically impossible for someone with an Associates degree in History but no job experience outside of customer service and the food industry. He is currently pursuing a Bachelor's in the computer industry that will be helpful in the future, but he's still a year away from graduating, or a maybe more depending on how many extra credits he needs due to the change in major. This is all further complicated by the fact that he is perpetually depressed (usually the only thing that can make him smile is the kids or me) and nearly always angry at God. When he does get excited about something, the reality usually falls short of the excitement, and then he crashes again. It's hard to deal with, and it often is my "fault". Sometimes it really is my fault, sometimes it's just because I am the closest to him. All of it takes its toll on our marriage.

   I don't know how Lee would feel about me writing all of this down. I feel like I am representing him fairly, and I hope that is truth. Since I am sharing this, I would also like a take a minute to say what I love about Lee. He has a very good and generous heart. He wants nothing more than to be able to give the world to me and his kids. He is very interesting and fun to talk to. We get along very well because we both love learning and thinking and analyzing the world around us. We are always tearing apart all of the preconceptions of the world. He is faithful, sober, ad fun. He has taught me a lot about real love, an how one person can truly love another without asking for anything in return. I know that God put us together for good reasons, to help me to grow as a person. Truly I love the man.

   So here comes 2011. Here is what is already exciting about this year:

   School. I am taking two on-campus classes. Sort of. I am taking courses that are actually located at two local high schools, which will save me having to drive into the city. I have to take a required speech course (oh joy) and also a Philosophy class which is a required elective. The Philosophy class is given by a teacher of Lee's who he has been urging me to take for awhile. This teacher asks Lee to attend her classes at no cost to him just to stimulate discussion. Seriously. I am very excited to study under her for a semester.  These will be my first live classes since high school - the rest have all been on-line courses.

   Within the next few weeks, Lee is going to start taking Elijah to Cub Scouts. Very excited about this!

   That's about it. We are aiming to move in the Spring, to a house with a little more room, but more importantly, in a little better shape than our current house. Part of us doesn't want to move because we love ou neighbors and feel very safe and comfortable. But our house here was never meant to be permanent, and we have about outlived it - lasted 2 years longer than I thought we would really!

   Well, this has been very cathartic. Actually I feel a lot better putting it down in words. I feel like now I can move into the New Year with a little enthusiasm. :)