Luke 7:47

Last night, I made my first confession.


I thought about throwing together a little apologetics course about the biblical basis for confession, but I'm afraid I would lose my readers. If you want more information about the Biblical basis, I recommend Scott Hahn's article on the ministries of healing and reconciliation, available on the web for free.


It was probably in listening to Father Larry's free cd on confession that I became convinced that such a thing was real and that I wanted it in my life. This was close to two years ago, so basically, its something I've been waiting a long time for.


All day at work I knew that it was going to be tonight. It was like standing in line at a roller coaster. There's really nothing you can do but wait. You can get out of line if you want to, but you don't want to. You can't make time go slower or faster.


There isn't quite enough time between work and class, so I ate at work and was about five minutes late for class. I was already upset because Lee and I had gotten passed over for one of the homes we were looking into. The class already knows that we are looking for a place to live and is praying for us, and there is nothing too odd about seeing a 7 months pregnant woman crying. Michelle handed me a tissue and once I let it out I was fine. And then it was time.


We made a line to go in and talk to Father. I ended up at the back of the line, partly because I was terrified, but msotly because I had to go to the bathroom. I had no desire to run over my list of sins with a full bladder. Of course by the time I got to the front of the line I had to go again. It didn't really matter. We were in the chapel and it was terribly quiet. Michelle sat in the pew praying for me and with me the whole time - that was very, very helpful. It was good not to be alone. I didn't feel like anyone else was as scared as I was. Maybe other people's sins aren't as embarassing at mine - or maybe they weren't raised to be as conscious of their need for God's grace. More likely, everybody was scared and just putting on a brave face.

Finally, it was my turn. I shut the door to the confessional behind me and sat down across from Father. I don't mind admitting that I am a sinner, but saying the specific words out loud was very hard and I cried the whole time. It did not take very long. I ripped the band aid off, and it hurt, and then it was over. When I was done, he encouraged me. He shared the love and mercy of God with me. He gave me something to do, so that I can replace the bad things in my life with good things. Then, with the authority of the disciples, as given by Jesus and passed down through history to him, and by the power of the cross, he forgave me.


And this is what is so amazing about the Catholic faith - the priesthood is about the healing ministries of Jesus being there for us on an individual basis, as well as in a universal family. People say that "religion" (by which they generally mean the sacraments) is wrong, because it takes away from having a personal religion with Jesus. Yes, some people have used it that way. But that's not what it's supposed to be. It was me and Jesus in there. Father Weiss is someone who has given up literally everything just so he could be Jesus to me in that room. This is exactly what the new testament calls us to do; all in different ways.

I don't think I can capture with words what it was like - bringing not just some, but all of the ugly up out of my life and presenting it as my own fault. I am used to adjusting my image to make myself look good. To present an honest image of myself and receive mercy from a human being, acting in the person of Christ. I can't describe it. It's awesome. It's humiliating, humbling, raw, honest, and awesome.


And it's not that I don't believe my sins were forgiven before, when I would just tell Jesus that I was sorry. Can and does God forgive people just because they are very sorry? Of course, he's God. He does what he wants. You have to look at sin like a sickness. If you get cancer, you can pray that God will heal you. He can, and he will. But as humans with physical bodies, we need doctors to help us get well. So we go to the doctor, and the doctor helps us be healed. Is the doctor taking the place of God? Of course not. Everything the doctor does is through God. Even more so for the priest, who is a doctor for his people. I find that my protestant friends, who believe only in confessing to God, are emulating confession all the time. This week, they might have new accountability partners. Last week, they met with their pastor to talk about their sin and how to break free of it. This is a real human need, and I consider myself so blessed to be joining a church that acknowledges that.


Afterwards, Michelle gave me a big hug and I cried some more, but I was happy. Then we had the walkthrough for the Easter vigil mass, which is next Saturday the 22nd. I had a hard time concentrating on what we are supposed to do, but it's not that hard. We pretty much only have to say "I do" and "amen". I guess it's like getting married, everybody knows you will be too overwhelmed to remember everything complicated so they try to make it simple but meaningful. Of course Julius decided to start acting up during the practice, and I made Michelle feel his little... I dunno, something pokey like a knee or an elbow.



Technically, we have one more class period after this, but I won't be able to make it next week, so that's it. So now I am just waiting for the Vigil Mass. It's hard to believe.